Faith by Family-not what you think

May 19
6 min read

Updated: May 21

I went to visit my great aunt in the hospital yesterday. She’s there because of her heart and extra fluid in her lungs. While I was with her, we talked about how I left my job and really leaning into my art more. How I really want to be a full-time artist and sell stickers, sell prints, T-shirts—you name it, and I want to explore all there is to offer.

Boy Wonder

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1) Boy Wonder sticker in my shop

Just to preface this entry was dated on May the 2nd. For timeline’s sake I think that’s important. This will be posted 5/19. I stopped writing this entry because I lost motivation for it. I rewound my focus on my YouTube videos, my artwork. And grieving me leaving my job, loss of routine, way of life. I’ve visited my great aunt since and she’s on the mend. She just needs to get stronger. For privacy reasons this is all I will say about her current condition. I hope you understand <3

And we ended up talking about my blog site. When I told her about leaving my job because of my health beforehand, that weekend, I had asked the Universe for a definite “No.” sign about quitting my job altogether. I’d stick it out just like I always had. Because, evidently according to my spirit guides and those closest to me, I’m extremely impatient.

I know! The nerve! XD The outrage! Hey you don’t understand I have this tarot deck that’s all centered around cats (Cat Tarot by: Megan Lynn Kott and Juliea Smillie) that I got one summer at Books A Million. And I always ended up pulling the Temperance card.

No matter how I shuffled the cards, no matter the order or question I always managed to get that card. Even if it never fell out with the shuffle it wasn’t too far away from the bottom/top of the deck. So now if I pull out the Temperance card it’s more of a joke, but still a good reminder that “A watched pot doesn’t boil” or whatever that saying is.

2) Fantasy Comic scene. Two men having a tense discussion on a bridge just above a pond. You can see their shadows only along with a fish chasing a fly and a frog and some reeds.

So, if it was a matter of me being impatient, I’d just chalk it up to that and be done with the matter. If Spirit really didn’t want me to quit, she had that entire weekend to tell me so. But all I heard was silence. More than usual, as well. No buzzing in my ear or even a whisper.

So, when that Monday came, I promised myself that I’d follow through. That I wouldn’t be all talk and no action. And I take my promises very seriously. I don’t make them lightly, or even jokingly. It’s been a deeply rooted belief of mine since I was little.

The straw that broke the camel’s back came from that Thursday and Friday. I missed work because of the stomach flu and a UTI. I know right? Just when you think it can’t get any worse—it gets worse. And if you’ve never had a UTI—count your blessings because it’s hell on earth. On top of the stomach bug.

And I kept thinking, while I was healing over the weekend, “Oh my gosh I’m going to have to go in Monday and still try to recover from this.” The antibiotics that they gave me would last a week.

And that thought alone was awful. See, I used up a lot of my PTO with being out sick already and bad weather days. Trying to help people recover from surgery and the like and here I am barely able to help myself. On top of my gastrointestinal stuff going on.

“So like “here damn”. “You wanted better now here’s better.” – my spirit guides, probably.

And the other thought was that I would just have to keep going on and on-- it just broke my spirit. I couldn’t keep telling myself the same ole song and dance anymore.

“Just let me help this one patient.”

“But the insurance.”

“It’s always dark before it gets to be light.”

There’s only so many times I can build myself up before I just say, “to hell with it” and walk away from the toy blocks for good. I was tired. This was the longest I’ve ever been at a job. Three years doesn’t feel like a lot, but to my Auhd (autistic and ADHD) ass it really was killing me.

3) Transformation Digital Painting of a tower burning atop a grass mound. Labeled 'Transformation'.

As I told her the story, she had a thought come to mind. She’s really big into faith. She’s been a Christian all her life.

Roughly from what I remember her saying was, “How do you know God wasn’t telling you that weekend?”

“How do you mean?”

“Like, how do you know he wasn’t pushing you towards leaving the job anyway? And pushing you towards something better. Even better than you could imagine?”

“Oooh, I see.” She doesn’t know that I don’t follow the same religion anymore. But the universe and spirit, one in the same to me across all religions. So I didn’t feel it necessary to say this, however.

And her logic made perfect sense to me because my spirit guides end up hauling ego me, kicking and screaming all the way. I have a bad habit of this. I’ll ask for better, but when expected of me to stray from the conventional it can be difficult for my human heart to let it go. So I’m usually carried in on the tide by them.

It will happen, the things I want in life. But the transitions to reach certain goals would go a lot smoother on my end if I just surrendered more. Not me trying to take control of every little thing, hence me acting from my ego.

I ask for better, I manifest, then be surprised how the compass needle gets shifted around. Spins and spins until I get dizzy.

Usually, it will be my ego trying to call the shots, to think she has more control than the Universe. Yeah, go figure when that doesn’t work out.

And I would ask, please, show me who been real?

And get 'em from around me if they all been fake

It's crazy how I say the same prayer to the Lord

And always get surprised about who He take, man

--- Anxiety by Megan thee Stallion

I need to make decisions for me. Not just because spirit told me to. ‘Told me to’ like I had to do it.

Everything ends up how it’s supposed to be. Sure there are other options I could’ve taken. And if I had listened to my Spirit team/intuition more maybe I wouldn’t have had to learn the hard way.

I ended up showing her the potential print I wanted to start making. Specifically, the footprints in the sand one, she really liked that.

4) Footprints in the sand. Digital Painting of waves crashing in on a beach. Footprints can be seen leaving the water.

“Oh and those are Jesus’ footprints,” she said absolutely, as she nodded her head.

I shrugged and gave a winded laugh. “Well, I’m not sure if those are Jesus’ footprints per say. But they’re definitely somebody’s.”

“Well I think they’re Jesus’ because when you see one set of footprints it means that Jesus was carrying you.”

And I had to take a mental step back. Because it suddenly made sense. Not that I think the footprints are Jesus. I was rather imagining like a toss up between a mermaid and another sea creature.

5) Big city Park fountain Digital painting of a partial look at a large fountain. Along with the concrete floor

But I do believe Spirit was pushing the waves for me to get out on land. Test the land, so to speak. Instead of ‘testing the waters’.

For at least two weeks now I’ve been sketching water in various forms. A pond, the ocean, a fountain, etc. Last night I even stayed up, later than I should’ve, to try and finish this outline of an underwater portal—is that not cool or what?

And none of that really clicked until I went to go see her.

6) Underwater Portal Digital Painting of a top down view of a whirlpool. Swirling clockwise to create a doorway, portal, into the ocean's depths.

“As I say, I just take it one day at a time.” She would say every now and then throughout our conversation.

And that would be true. She’s battled doctors and hospital visits ever since I was little, and I’m 24 now. She’s always kept a strong faith that her god will take care of her.

Everybody always asks my great aunt, “How do you do it T (letter picked randomly from her full name)? How do you just leave it all in His hands?”

“Isn’t that the whole point of faith? To lay your head down at night and know that he will take care of it for you.” She would reply with a steady voice.

Well that's it for this post. More updates to come. Tune in Thursday for more background on my upbringing. How the Universe has led me to my beliefs.

Thank you for tuning in and reading my blog. I'll see y'all real soon <3

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