Faith
- Apr 30
- 6 min read
Now when I say “faith” I think of when I was younger and going to a Lutheran church regularly. It was common at the end of the service to pray to God about certain members of the church. And ask that they be safe, healthy, and to hold fast in their faith.
Our eyes closed with our hands clasping tightly together or lightly side by side. The light radiating in from the glass-colored windows. The large fan above our heads twirled aimlessly. As those around me grew humid from the Texas heat.
It was quiet then. Soft, and vulnerable.
Then I’m immediately crash landed to the present. It’s noisy, draining, so fast paced. I can hardly keep up with all the hustle culture and the hard way of it all.
“Noise,” my ancestors call it, shaking their heads in disapproval. “Just noise.”
Some even make a face and wave the noise off me. The fan gently hums in the corner of my room. Smoke fills the air. The scent of patchouli hangs around me. The dogs snoring quietly on their cushions near the door. All is as it should be.
And the before doesn’t matter anymore. Only the now. Now is the time. Time to do what has to be done. It will be hard. At times it will make me want to quit.
Yelling to the Universe, “Why me? Why now when I just—” A sniffle begs to break free from my clenched throat.
But I don’t.
Faith is hope. For a better tomorrow. And the next day after that.
I no longer attend the church of my childhood anymore. I no longer teach their Sunday school classes. Some would even say that I don’t follow the same religion anymore. Though I would disagree. I follow Spirit just as I’ve always done.
Hearing her call and answering. Though I wasn’t sure as to why the pull happened at those times. I just knew.
In the bible, it is stated multiple times that God has built a room/house for me in his kingdom. And that I would be able to go live there when I died.
I think of that reference now because I’ve found new pantheons of gods, goddesses, and deities of all religions.
And in each one I’ve found a home to call upon. I’ve talked to many of them and learned unique lessons along the way. I’ve opened my ears to my ancestors who have already given me so many opportunities just from the choices they made that brought me here.
You can believe however you want. That isn’t up to me. I haven’t come here to persuade anyone or make people feel guilty. I’ve only ever shared my story, and continue to do so, as a testament to being open minded and living in my truth.
Many people want to talk about the sunshine and rainbows aspect of healing or spirituality.
Many people have said, “Keep the faith, it will happen.”
And I’ve stumbled upon that brick wall again. The one I come to when I’ve gone as far as I could with the knowledge that I had. And turned right ‘round and walked in another direction to be guided.
“Why the turn around anyway? Why have a maze when Universe could just create a straight line?”
To that I do not have an answer. Everyone’s path is different. Everyone’s choices are not the same. I do know that if the main character, in the beginning of the book, was given all the rewards and knowledge from the end of the book they would be confused.
“Why would I even want/need this? I thought I was going towards ABCD.”
Because the journey is not the end. If you are still in the thick of it then you have not reached the end of the book. From a pinterest screengrab that I’ll try to link here.
Breakdown, after breakdown. Just when I think the worst has happened, something even more terrible happens.
And sometimes that is all there is to it. Things happen. And sometimes there’s nothing you can do except pick up the broken Tower pieces and create something new. And I wish I had a blanket statement view of things to offer. Some insightful quote from one of my deities or ancestors. Although there is no doubt in my mind that they would have something good to say.
Keeping the faith, the motivation, to get through it all is a form of resistance in a late-stage capitalist society. If you wanna be stubborn (like I do) this ends up putting me a little forward in my journey/task. So choosing every day to stay above ground despite all that there is going on in the world is difficult. I’m not saying it is “easy” when someone decides to kill themselves.
As someone who has been very close to carrying out the act, I can say that it is hard to see the light when you are the one carrying it. The symptoms of depression, anxiety etc. can make us think the worst will inevitably happen.
But don’t forget the good times. Don’t forget that at one point you laughed so hard that you cried. Or been so moved by music that you danced and danced until your feet got hurt.
Oh! Or that really really good piece of food that still to this day you can’t get out of your mind. That one movie, that one show, that one indie Youtube film you found in 2013 that you swore was the best thing that you’ve ever seen.
It is getting better.
I’ll try to screenshot the quote from this old show (In the heat of the night) I used to watch,
that I’ve now picked up again. It’s an old run of the mill murder case mystery. That takes place in a small southern town. The show usually runs for an hour and gets the plot wrapped up.
In one particular episode (Sweet, sweet blues 5:8) these two cops (one officer and the chief of police) they talk about race. Now that wouldn’t be new, the show never bounces around the older times and the new with race relations.
This, however, stuck with me. (46:10)
The officer (black) looks to the chief, with tears in his eyes, and says something like, “It’s getting better, right chief? I mean we’re still dealing with some of the same stuff from back then but it has to be better right?”
The chief (white) roughly replies, shaking his head matter of factly while smiling, “Yes, son, they’re better. A whole lot better.” The chief brings him into link arms with him and walk out of the park grinning to each other.
As I had rewatched the episode it made me think of how far we really have come as a society of change. Especially given the movie, under the same name, in 1967 and the entire plot was surrounding race. To which that same year came Guess who’s coming to dinner with the same main character/cast member Sidney Poitier too. That’s freaking wild not gonna lie!
Times are turbulent now; there’s no doubt about it. And this is all from a white woman’s neurodivergent perspective XD So take that as you will. Regardless of whether you see it now or even in a couple days from now. It is getting better. You just can’t see it because you’re in every room you go in! Yeah, try to get out of that one, am I right? Believe me—I’ve tried (omg-editor me XD)
At the physical therapy clinic where I work at, I see people all day in pain that battle through their recovery process. I have many whom they cannot see beyond today because it is so hard right now. But they don’t see the multiple times that they’ve come in and we’ve progressed. Added weights, resistance to their exercises. Time does heal, but not in the way you might have bet on, originally speaking.
Maybe along the way you found out that construction just wasn’t for you, and you want to be a doctor now. Or that the stay-at-home parent thing wasn’t what you thought it’d be. So, the rewards you wanted may change into something else. Change can be scary. Our brain is literally wired to survive. So, it would make sense that our brain would want to find familiar things to grasp onto.
“Your body just wants to protect you,” I would explain to patients, as some other body part was doing all the work. And they needed to be targeting the part we’re here for.
“But sometimes we have to be mindful of that and push xyz in order for you to get well.”
This would usually help the patient see the bigger picture and help them see where they can improve.
Don’t forget to have fun, laugh or cry. Grieve from what’s been lost has been lost for whatever reason. And keep believing that miracles can happen to you too.
You’re breathing right now, aren’t you?
It’s been a pleasure talking to y’all again. I will talk to y’all soon!
Love, msincense.
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