Creative in the Mind

May 1
4 min read

Lately, I’ve been finding myself itching towards my past writings. The ones I’ve put off

because “It’s just not a good time right now.”

The ones where I’ve almost got it made and…it just, okay, the words just falter. Because I’m afraid of failure, in all senses of reality. I’m afraid that all the naysayers around me over the years were right all along.

But I just can’t fathom a world in which they’re right about me.

It struck me then, how their lives were actually like. Did they go after their own dreams and live happily?

And through this small breakthrough I had a half thought that they might possibly hate me because I am trying.

And when they tried, they quit it altogether because maybe it didn’t happen “naturally” for them. Not saying any of the stuff I’m doing nowadays comes naturally for me.

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Now I might have an inclination to go in a creative direction or whatever have you. A lot of this is still practice to me and repetition. But just solely being naturally gifted is not a real thing. We just maybe have to work a lil’ harder at the thing.

Like math for me. I can do it, sure. Ish. Just don’t ask my 7th grade math teacher (she failed the entire class because we just weren’t getting it.). I had to give myself a little more focus on the subject, just to get through it.

But the big takeaway is that inclinations ≠ naturally gifted. Damn I had to look that up just to make a point. And did I just used math and gave myself an equation to work with? Well now we’ve come full circle. And my 7th grade math teacher can finally be proud of me. Oh wow.

Where the hell am I going with this—ah right.

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They look so unhappy in their own lives. Making choices because they felt like they had to. Now they’re “stuck” in this state of perpetual numbness or foul mood. Then they feel like they have to hate, because it feels like all they can do.

I’ve picked back up on my YouTube channel (Grace’s Place). I always said that if I ever started a channel that I would name it that. But at first, I didn’t. Back in October of last year, it started just as my tag name (msincense).

I remember hating to find my favorite artist’s name and it was under something else. And it was so niche that I just gave up trying.

But I’m trying to be different, act different. Approach the old with a new perspective. Change it up a lil’. Because now it feels like I have no choice BUT to go forward.

So, I renamed my channel this week. Made a new banner. And created and edited two new videos. Can I get a hell yeah? That’s what I’m talking about. Granted they were both five minutes each. Damn, that felt good. I mean, really good. If not just to say it but to write it.

One of the reasons I chose to start my own website was just solely to blog. At the time I couldn’t commit to every day—ugh heck no, my inner perfectionist said.

I’ll never be able to do that.

But she was wrong. I can and will do it. I have this very stubborn inner teen that hates to be told what to do. I mean she loathes it for real.

So, when I got to work around about my inner perfectionist—everything seemed to have shifted. I feel a lot lighter now, no longer the heaviness and pressure of trying to hold myself to a standard nobody else had set for me. Except, well, me.

And it's also possible that through me writing this, that I’m out of practice or rhythm of my writings and I just need to step back into it. And through this I’m trying to stumble back into the waltz of my poems and descriptions. Step 1,2,3. Step 1,2,3.

I remember last summer quite vividly. I was extremely depressed. I was so far down the rabbit hole of just robotic functioning I just stopped taking care of myself. Now granted I was also in immense pain on my right side. Because I needed to get my gallbladder taken out, naturally.

But it was bad. I thought this past winter was bad, but that summer it was just….well fucking depressing. And I think writing about it now, at least partially speaking, I’m glad I made it through. I’m glad I didn’t stop altogether from believing in myself.

Oh my gosh did I just make a blog post without adding some additional, profound message to it? Omfg, guys, I’m cured XD

So thank you, past me.

And thank you for reading another addition to my blog.

I’ll talk to y’all soon.

Bye!

Love, incense

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