Counteracting progress with "laziness"

Lately, I've been, well, lazy, to put it bluntly. Normally, after work I rush home to grab something to eat, relax for an hour, and then go into "busy mode." This includes drawing as fast as I can (just to get something out), doing laundry, playing video games, cleaning, and the like. Rinse and repeat for five days.

And I basically had a "come to Jesus" moment with the Universe last Thursday (a couple of weeks ago). I couldn't stop crying because I felt so weak after last week. So weak I couldn't even open a can of soup. Talk about falling so low I couldn't even open a can. Everything was piling up on top of me.

I said out loud, "Spirit, I can't keep doing this. You've got the wrong girl."

And the tears kept falling. And I couldn't take it anymore. It was like hitting a brick wall (the millionth time I'd done that) and walking away, solemnly stricken with myself. I was so tired of trying to keep things moving forward with my real profession (here) and maintaining balance with my side job (at the clinic).

Where it never occurred to me that I didn't need to do it in the first place.

So this weekend has been a slush, so to speak. I feel like I've turned into liquid and poured into every room in the house, wherever I go.

Change is in the air. Flowers are blooming, insects are emerging from their slumber, and I, on the other hand, have the feeling that time is passing me by. I feel as if I'm standing on a plateau in the middle of a meadow, listlessly watching the birds fly by. As I sit, hugging my knees to my chest, my chin rests heavily on my kneecaps. As if I'm waiting for Brother Wind to pick me up and take me where I need to go.

I desperately want to move, but I feel like it's not worth it. Like I'm not worth it. And when I think that, I immediately shake my head from my knees in grief. A sour expression spreads across my face, because why would I be too much trouble?

Why on this whole damn planet do I have to be my biggest OP (opponent)? And a side note here: I told a patient, after listening to him childishly talk about his progress, this past week that, "Sometimes we are our biggest OPs." Which immediately sparked laughter throughout the clinic.

Everyone was amazed at my use of Gen Z/AAVE (African American Vernacular English). I was also amazed that they'd never heard of the term. Most of the people there were white. And everyone thought I was referring to the word "obstacle." What the hell...? How do you put the word "Ops" in "obstacle"?

I replied, "How come you're not up on the culture? You're literally alive now, and it's passing you by." That's pretty much what I said. They didn't have much to say after that.

Continuing with the story of "Come to Jesus." My ADHD is kicking my ass right now. XD. After this revelation, I calm down and return to my usual position. Lying on my side at the end of the bed. Surrounded by soft blankets and pillows. A sigh escapes me, a deep, long sigh.

Because it doesn't seem to change. I have these "revaluations" and maintain the momentum for a while. Then I get tired, naturally. And I find myself in a rut. It seems I'm the only one who hasn't "moved on" like I'm "supposed" to.

But what am I supposed to do?

- Relax, because I know how hard I've worked during the week.

- Browse Tiktok, because it will only be for a "little while."

- Playing my Switch game, Hogwarts Legacy. I know the game came out like two years ago, so it's kind of "old." It's market-driven, anyway. But I love it. I never read the books, but the movies have always been one of the best ways for me to escape. Sorry, another time.

- Writing the blog, because I need it to flow. I know I have a lot of knowledge and experience that could really help people. And not using one of my many gifts is almost an insult to the Universe. Like, "Here, human, I gave you the gift/talent of drawing." Then don't draw. I don't mean art is just a matter of talent. You have to practice, always. And keep doing it to perfect your art. Or with anything.

But the point is, I have options. They feel the full weight of my shoulders. Not to mention the housework, plus the health issues I face. I have no choice but to move forward, and I just vacillate.

"What if this doesn't work?"

"What if I'm wasting money on this path?"

"What if I don't like it?"

And everything else that frankly shouldn't matter. I should just leave my logic in the backseat and let my intuition take the helm. It has to be Aries season, which is entering me, and it's also after my period. Ironically, I happen to work with Ares. He's cool and passionate. And one of the people who cheers me on the most in the stands. Best to believe he's also into Styrofoam hats and the big index finger. XD

Many people search their entire lives for a purpose. And many people come to the conclusion that their purpose is an elusive beast. It always seems out of reach.

Nothing seems to make sense. And I think I'll have to make peace with that. I have to remind myself that if the Universe wanted me to know something, it would tell me somehow.

The future seems hazy. My fingers move toward the tarot and oracle decks I keep on the back of my desk. A tempting and curious thought. The mere act of shuffling my fingers is a sensation like no other.

**That day, at break time...

After taking a break and doing this, I feel a little better. I drew: The Empress (upright), Knight of Wands (upright), Six of Cups (reversed). I'll upload a video of my channeling.

Essentially, it caught my attention, of course. Personally, I felt the cards spoke to how I've been getting more in touch with my femininity. I've been so reserved and more in touch with my masculine side that I haven't kept the scales balanced (Anubis definitely approves, nodding, very encouraging). Causing this rift between me and my creativity. I hate it.

I want it to be fun and exciting again. I want the magic I experienced when I was younger. Hecate has been helping me with that.

He always tells me, "Work can be serious. But it doesn't have to be without fun."

You know you have "issues" with your heart space when (in my opinion) one of the serious goddesses/gods tells you to be less serious. XD

After writing this, I feel like there's a glimmer of hope for me. That I'm on the right path. I've missed writing so much. I have so many topics I want to talk about. So many stories to share with the world.

"No matter how long the dark corridor, I keep the flame of hope burning. Knowing that there is no darkness without first comparing it with the brightness of light."

We'll talk soon. Bye for now! <3

P.S. To all my Spanish-speaking readers, please let me know if this blog post hasn't been translated properly. And if you have any other questions. <3